athoughtofherown

There Is a Time to Be Humble

In no way is this blog post about supporting arrogance or “audacity,” because some people really do have enough of that.

There is a place for humility. In my opinion, that is especially true spiritually and morally. None of us are above the next person. We all experience success and failure, gain and loss, and the highs and lows that come with simply being human.

But humility is not the same as humiliation or diminishment.

I’ve noticed that the more self-confident you become, the more you begin setting boundaries, speaking your mind, standing up for yourself, and validating yourself for yourself, the more some people seem to have something to say about it.

Sometimes it happens the moment you accomplish something. Someone gives you a compliment, recognizes something you’ve done, or acknowledges a quality about you, and suddenly someone feels the need to bring you back down.

But accepting that kind of treatment and internalizing it isn’t humility.

In some instances, I actually think it can become a form of bullying. There is a difference between someone lovingly correcting you when you genuinely need correction and someone consistently trying to make you question whether you should feel good about yourself at all.

When “Humble Yourself” Really Means “Make Yourself Smaller”

When you hear someone say, “You need to humble yourself,” not always does it come from a loving or constructive place.

Sometimes people are intimidated by what you represent in that particular moment.

They may be uncomfortable with your confidence, your accomplishments, the attention you’re receiving, your beauty, your intelligence, or your growth. And sometimes what sounds like a call for humility is really an attempt to restore a dynamic that makes someone else more comfortable.

In groups especially, this can become a form of status negotiation. Someone receives praise or recognition, and another person feels the need to minimize it, correct it, or remind everyone of their own position.

It can sound like:

“Stop making me feel insecure by being confident.”

“Don’t acknowledge your accomplishments because I haven’t reached that point.”

“Don’t think too highly of yourself because it challenges how I see you.”

“Come back down to the version of you that makes me comfortable.”

Sometimes there is an unspoken ranking happening beneath the conversation. Someone may feel that another person is receiving too much attention, gaining too much confidence, or stepping outside of the position they have been assigned in the relationship or group.

And the response is an attempt to bring them back down.

“You can’t be better than I am.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“You need to humble yourself.”

But being confident in who you are and what you have accomplished is not the same thing as believing you are superior to everyone else. Receiving a compliment without immediately minimizing yourself is not arrogance. And growing into a stronger version of yourself does not automatically mean you have forgotten where you came from.

That distinction matters.

Not Every Criticism Deserves Your Self-Doubt

One of the most important things you can learn is how to distinguish correction from diminishment.

There are times when someone is going to tell you something about yourself that you may not want to hear—and they may be right. We should all be willing to examine ourselves. Confidence should never make us incapable of receiving correction.

But there is a difference between someone helping you see a blind spot and someone trying to convince you that there is something wrong with you simply because you are comfortable with yourself.

That is why knowing who you are matters.

When you know yourself, you don’t have to immediately internalize every opinion someone has about you.

If someone tells you that you think you’re better than everyone else, you can actually stop and ask yourself: Do I?

If someone tells you that you’re too confident, you can ask: Am I actually being arrogant, or are they uncomfortable with my confidence?

If someone tells you that you need to “learn to love yourself,” you can ask yourself whether that is actually true—or whether they simply don’t like the way you carry yourself.

Self-awareness allows you to examine yourself without automatically accepting someone else’s definition of you.

The “Nice Nastiness” We Normalize

There is another form of this that I think deserves attention: the people who constantly tease, make backhanded remarks, or disguise little insults as humor.

Some people will say, “That’s just how I am,” or “I’m just joking,” or even, “I’m just keeping you humble.”

Maybe that really is their default communication style. Maybe they aren’t sitting around intentionally planning to hurt people.

But I don’t necessarily agree with the idea that because something is someone’s default style, we should simply accept it.

I don’t want relationships or friendships where affection is constantly mixed with little digs. I don’t care for that kind of nice nastiness.

You can recognize that someone may not have malicious intentions and still decide that their communication style doesn’t speak to the kind of woman you are or the kind of relationships you want around you.

Confidence Does Not Need to Be Explained Away

There is something to be said for becoming comfortable with yourself.

As you grow, you may become more willing to speak up, set boundaries, acknowledge your strengths, and accept compliments without immediately looking for a reason to disqualify them.

That kind of confidence can be unfamiliar to people who knew you before you developed it.

Sometimes people are more comfortable with the version of you who needed their approval. The moment you begin validating yourself, the dynamic changes. You may notice that certain people become more critical, more dismissive, or more interested in reminding you of who you used to be.

That is something worth noticing.

Not every change in how people treat you means they are threatened by you. But when someone consistently responds to your growth by trying to reduce it, there may be more happening beneath the surface than simple concern for your humility.

Pay Attention to What People Keep Trying to Convince You Of

Sometimes what people say about you is less revealing about who you are and more revealing about how they see you.

That doesn’t mean every negative thing someone says is projection. Sometimes people see things in us that we genuinely need to work on.

But when someone repeatedly tries to convince you that you are too much, too confident, too ambitious, too proud, too beautiful, too outspoken, or too comfortable with yourself, it is worth paying attention to the pattern.

Ask yourself: Why is this person so invested in making me see myself differently?

And more importantly: Is there actually something I need to change, or am I simply being asked to become more comfortable for someone else?

Those are two very different questions.

How Do You Respond?

You don’t have to respond to every attempt to “humble” you with defensiveness.

Sometimes the best response is to examine yourself honestly.

Maybe you were wrong. Own it.

Maybe you were arrogant. Correct it.

Maybe you hurt someone. Apologize.

But if you have honestly examined yourself and there is no truth in what is being placed on you, you don’t have to carry it just because someone else said it confidently.

You can listen without internalizing.

You can consider someone’s perspective without adopting it.

You can receive correction without accepting humiliation.

And sometimes, the appropriate response isn’t an argument at all. It’s distance.

Not everyone needs to have intimate access to you, especially people who consistently make you feel like you need to shrink in order to maintain the relationship.

Stay Humble Without Becoming Small

I think real humility should keep you grounded, not make you smaller.

You can recognize that you are still learning while being proud of how far you’ve come.

You can acknowledge your flaws without pretending you have no strengths.

You can accept correction without allowing someone else to define you.

You can celebrate yourself without believing you are better than anyone else.

And you can remain humble without volunteering to be diminished.

Humility should keep you grounded, not make you small.